In the true spirit of a BBB (I'll explain that in a minute), I began a blog in 2005, continued it for three years and then got bored. Or something.
I'm not entirely sure WHY I stopped blogging. I think part of it was because I had become rather hit and miss with it, and lost most of my followers. While there were only a few, I am a bit of a narcissist and needed those people to validate me. Really? Seriously? That's pathetic. True, but pathetic. So I stopped.
Wouldn't it be just so much better if my reason was that mentally I had improved so much, my life was just totally better, and I was simply too busy to spend my time playing on the computer? BAHAHAHAHA......yeah, not so much.
These days I find myself in an interesting and unpleasant position. While I absolutely don't understand it, a marriage that was absolutely the joy of my life has slipped to the precipice of ... what? Disaster? I'll be writing more about that. I am so incredibly sad about this because what it ultimately boils down to is ...
My heart is broken.
I want to write that I adore my husband but that is the worst, cheesiest line EVER. After ten years there are things he does that irritate me. He blithely farts as he wanders through the room with no regard to the chemical warfare he leaves in his wake; he can't figure out which is the light laundry pile and which is the dark; he INSISTS he's told me things that I KNOW he hasn't; but worst of all, he and I have lost our ability to communicate and this is an absolute mystery to me. Honestly, I just don't get it. We each wear our individual labels, compliments of the Mental Health Industry, and boy does this make life troublesome. We're both stubborn beyond belief. Each of us tends to think the worst of whatever the other says ~ and this is new. I'll add a post later that will explain why, I guess. But despite all of this, he is the only man I will ever, have ever, could ever, love: deeply, madly, truly. So why is this difficult union justification for heartbreak?
I no longer trust him.
During the next while I'll post ramblings of the heart and head that will explain both my marriage and my mental illness. My aim here is to be as balanced and fair as is humanly possible. There's no doubt in my mind I'll fail.
As for the BBB, it was explained less than delicately by my psychologist whom I'll refer to as Dr. Doolittle (not because he does little, but because I've been less than human on more than one occasion), after I had an appointment with my psychiatrist (Dr. Jekyll/Hyde). He let it slip that she had called me a "BBB" and then smiled. In his defense, I am pretty sure he thought I knew what it was.
It stands for Borderline Bipolar Bitch.
Dr. J/H is not a particularly nice woman. But she's very good at what she does. Lucky for her.
~Meggy
